


Precious Cargo or Some Jazz

by ClownBoy



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Breaking and Entering, F/F, M/M, hostage, joker being a gay nuisance, smooches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:01:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26043145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClownBoy/pseuds/ClownBoy
Summary: Doctors Quinzel and Isley are having a nice night in whensome assholepops in with a favor to ask.
Relationships: Harley Quinn/Poison Ivy, Harlivy, poison quinn
Kudos: 18





	Precious Cargo or Some Jazz

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclosure: this is less a ship fic and more the kind of oldschool edgeless hijinks I would write into canon given the chance. Hope you enjoy.

A breeze came in through the window, the sun setting, and neither Ivy nor Harley looked up at the thump, assuming ordinary shitty-apartment-in-Gotham levels of noise. 

But no. In strode the green-haired menace himself. Neither of them remembered giving him a key. 

"LaaaDDiesSS!" He snapped and pointed his fingers, strides just a bit too wide. 

"What do you need, Joker?" Ivy grabbed Harley's arm. 

He held up his hands, "Listen, I asked Harv, Freeze was busy, I don't even have Selina's number. Can I PLEASE have one of you watch something for me just for a few hours?" 

"You mean right now? I gu-" 

"Harley, no." Ivy turned. "I'm assuming you of all people could find a place to hide it somewhere." 

He looked at his nails. "It's too precious, I'm afraid. I know for a fact at least Nygma and two taxi drivers know my whereabouts, and I've got business to attend to tonight." Joker looked up. " _Sensitive_ plans." 

She squeezed tighter. "I'm sure you can manage." 

"Oh, I will beg, Pam. Truly, TRULY, name your price," he bowed. Well, more curtsied. 

One of her babies neared his left ankle. 

"RED! Look, I'll do it, Moonpie." She looked at Ivy. "If you don't wanna do it, I can head out, sweetie. Was headin' off soon anyways." 

"No, you can stay." 

"Great! I'll bring it right in, Harley!" He strode again, pumping his arms just a bit too much. 

"You... You brought it?" 

He looked Ivy dead in the eyes. "A last resort is a last resort." He shambled to the door. "No idea when I'll be back! Take good care of it, pretty please!" 

"Harley, really. All this on a Tuesday?" 

"What? Like it's a big deal. How bad could it be?" 

The plastic wheels scraped against the tile. Muffled protests came from the man's taped mouth, tied to a chair with what looked like party streamers. Joker stopped, took a breath, and leaned in close to the man's ear. "Take care." He turned and waved, "Ta-ta!" 

"NOW WAIT, YOU ARE NOT LEAVING A _MAN_ IN MY APARTMENT." 

Joker turned on his heel and rested his elbow on the man's neck. "Oh?" 

Harley looked at the hostage. Then back to Joker. "At least tell us who the man is, wouldja?" 

"Two minutes 'til the L train, his name is Jones, health inspector. All I know is Riddles was gonna 'nap him, so, naturally, I did first. Gotta run!" 

Several vines snagged him, the back of his tie slipping out from between his buttons. He sighed and flipped his hair. "I suppose I can catch the S and still make it." The greenery unhanded him just in time to fall flat on his face. 

At some point, Harley remembered her popcorn. "I'll still do it!" She crunched. "Few hours. No biggie!" 

Ivy grabbed the armrest, turning the man to Joker. "This is your mess and you barely know the name of your hostage?" 

Joker turned him to her, hand on the man's scalp. "He is my problem. And will be upon my return. Pam." 

She turned him by the back of the seat. "Then do not make him **mine.** " 

Turned him back by his face. "Harley. Has already. Agreed," he smiled. 

"I won't." 

"She will!" 

"STOP IT! You're gonna miss the S even, and the next L's a half _hour_ this late! Mr.J, get outta here. Red, I'll take care of it. Jones!" 

He looked up, eyes wide. 

"Well... I don't know what to do with you yet." 

His wiggling made the chair clatter. 

"Great! Will see you two soon. Well, maybe not you, Ivy." He clapped and strode out again. "TREAT YOURSELVES TO SOMETHING NICE TONIGHT!" 

" _I guess it is good to see him leave_ ," Ivy grumbled. 

"It can't be all that bad!" Harley went to touch the man in the chair a few times. Finally, she pinched at the tape on his mouth. "Now, don't yell! I'll get you some water, ok?" 

He nodded. 

"No harm in letting you talk!" She ripped. 

"OW! GOD!" 

"Huh. Guess I could gone slower. Been a few days, huh? Lookit that." She held the hairy tape up to Ivy. 

Ivy shrunk back from it. 

"Well! Promise is a promise!" She patted his head as she walked past. Ivy heard water running in the kitchen. 

He turned to Ivy with glazed eyes. "Please.... You've gotta help me..." 

"Wh-" 

"Here you go!" 

He drank a little eagerly, Harley spilling a little with his jolt. 

"You-you guys, I- Thank you so much for the water-" 

"Sure!" 

"I don't know where to start, and I really need this job. They're gonna kill me, I was supposed to be at Batburger today because of rumors with the fryer, and I still don't know how I got into this. Can you two PLEASE help me?" 

"Harl, I really don't want to be an accomplice to this." 

Harley sat and crossed her legs, putting steepled fingers to her chin. "So, Mr. Jones, what exactly happened that brought you here?" 

"Listen, I-I didn't even threaten to close it down, I just notified the Iceberg Lounge they weren't licensed properly for live animals within the business, especially with food and drinks being served. I- The guy in green, he wanted to kill me." 

"Guy in green? With question marks?" 

"Yeah. I guess the Penguin told him to. I didn't know loyalties were so... robust? I mean, I didn't know. This city... I guess I'm saying- I guess what I'm saying is, I'm almost glad the Joker swooped me out of there, but I really wish his AC wasn't broken. It's a lot nicer in here. Sorry, I know I wasn't exactly welcomed in." 

"So what you're saying is Joker accidentally.... helped you?" 

"He hasn't left me alone. I don't know _where_ he found my address, he-" 

"You had anything to eat today, sweetie?" 

He looked up, eyes distant. "No." 

"Pammy, you still got those parmesan things in the kitchen?" 

"Yes. I do. I suppose he can have some." 

"You know, I always heard you were vegetarian," he blinked. 

"Oh, no! I wouldn't eat innocent plants like my friends. This household is strictly animal products. Occasionally human." 

He gulped. 

Harley galloped back in with a plate. "They're crunchy! I think you'll like 'em!" She shoved one in his face. "Oh, and I gotta ask: what's been your bathroom situation?" 

"Well," he swallowed, "I have been sitting so I kind of forgot, but-" 

"Ok, promise not to run off. And it'll be a few minutes untying so I can return you how I found ya. Hold still." 

Ivy smiled. "Are you this kind to all your hostages?" 

"Sure! Well, not when Mr. J is around. Control issues. But a person's a person! Stand by the door, Red." 

She blinked. 

"Pleeeeeeeaasee?" 

"You know I can't resist." She gave Harley a kiss on the way. 

The rest of the evening was mostly quiet. One police car passed, but no sirens. A few hallway footsteps led to a rushed and fruitless retying of poor Jones who they learned more about as conversation flowed. He was unmarried, had a brush with latenight news, met John Constantine (who he confirmed is even hotter in real life) once at a 4th of July barbecue Batman neglected to show up at despite the flyers. But then the footsteps weren't fruitless anymore. It's lucky Harley'd been too lazy to untie him the last time. 

"Thanks again, Harley girl!" He snagged the chair's back and dragged it near horizontal, Jones' legs flailing 

"Yeah, yeah. You owe me one, clown boy. This year, you're gonna remember my birthday!" 

He looked back. "Time is a practice, not a reality." 

"Still! Remember!" 

"Oh, alright." 

They mimed kissing eachother cheeks all European. 

"Hey, Cream Puff, ya got..." She motioned at her own neck. 

He pulled up his collar. 

"Oh. OH! Nevermind." 

Ivy scoffed. "You said business." 

"Oh, believe me, it was, lady! Regardless of my form of payment. He wasn't even **cute**!" He slammed the door. 

Harley giggled. "Well, now that's over with, you wanna do some 'business' tonight?" 

"A business affair?" She leaned close. "But I wouldn't dream of showing favoritism in the workplace, my dear... But, really. This was all a bit surreal for me, and I think I'd prefer just a movie tonight." 

"Yeah, sorry. That's fair." She smiled. And leaned in. And gave a look. 

Ivy kissed her. "I've heard very good things about Jennifer's Body." She held up a Redbox case. 

"Who's Jennifer?!"


End file.
